


5 times Keito completely and utterly failed at cooking

by alchemicink



Series: 5 Times... [14]
Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 21:32:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2403644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemicink/pseuds/alchemicink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keito discovers that a lot of things can go wrong while cooking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 times Keito completely and utterly failed at cooking

**Author's Note:**

> This is for anyone who read [5 Times Yamada Cooked for 7](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1155484/) and wondered what Keito was apologizing for. ^_^
> 
> Along with my standard disclaimer, I'd like to add that I'm not a good cook either (but not this bad) so try not to think too much about the logistics of some of these things (especially #4 lol). It's all just for fun! (Also, CoffeesaurusRex gets credit for the table spoon joke and the egg whites joke because she helped me brainstorm ideas for this one)

**1st time:**  
Against his will, Keito had somehow been volunteered to bake a birthday cake for Yamada’s birthday. Everyone had been very insistent on having it be homemade, so Keito was struggling through making icing for the cake when it would have just been easier to buy some from the store. (In fact, Keito was pretty sure Yamada would have been just as happy if they simply gave him a crate of strawberries instead of a cake, but nobody ever listened to his ideas.) 

He was pretty sure he had everything he needed, but he wasn’t quite sure about the measurements. He didn’t cook enough. Was the “cup” supposed to be any sort of normal drinking cup? And were “table spoons” the same thing as normal silverware? Eventually, he decided that he was over-thinking the situation. He pulled a regular spoon out of the kitchen drawer so he could add in a tablespoon of milk to the mixture. And then he grabbed what he guessed was a standard-sized cup from the cabinet to measure out four cups of sugar. 

The cake icing still looked extremely powdery after he’d finished mixing everything together. He tasted a bit of it and almost gagged. No, he’d definitely done something wrong even though he thought he had followed the measurements exactly. 

He washed the disgusting mixture down the drain, and then went to the store to buy those strawberries instead. 

 

**2nd time:**  
Keito wasn’t quite sure how he got roped into baking desserts with Hikaru, but here he was in the middle of his bandmate’s kitchen, surrounded by ingredients for pie. Hikaru was intensely focused on making some sort of fancy chocolate dessert, so Keito was left to make the pie filling by himself. He looked over the recipe scribbled out in Hikaru’s messy handwriting and then made sure he had everything. It was all there except for one thing. 

“Where do you keep the sugar?” he asked as he turned around. 

Hikaru, however, was still focused on his own dessert, like he was afraid it would vanish into thin air if he even so much as blinked. There were smudges of chocolate on his face, but Hikaru didn’t have time to wipe them away. Keito just sighed.

“Never mind. I’ll find it,” he said. He rummaged around the cabinets until he came across some containers. He opened one up and was happy to see it filled with white grains of sugar. Problem solved. 

A few hours later, when the pie had been baked and cooled (and Hikaru had finally put the finishing touches on his own dessert), the two of them decided to eat a slice of pie. 

“Looks pretty good,” Hikaru said as he cut a piece and set it on a plate. 

Keito nodded. He hadn’t had any trouble following the recipe directions (once he had deciphered Hikaru’s handwriting of course). 

“Cheers,” Hikaru said right before they both took a bite. Simultaneously, the two of them made the same disgusted face. Hikaru spit his bite back onto his plate while Keito stubbornly continued chewing despite the fact that the pie tasted horrible. 

“Did you forget the sugar?” Hikaru asked. 

Keito shook his head. He was already looking for a glass of water to wash the bitter taste away. “No, I used the stuff you had in that container over there.” He pointed to the collection of containers he had pulled out of the cabinets earlier.

Hikaru opened the lid and then laughed. “This is the salt!” Then he opened the identical container sitting next to it. “ _This_ is the sugar.” 

Keito pouted. “I’m buying you a label-maker for Christmas.” 

 

**3rd time:**  
After a fun three-hour karaoke session together, Keito and Daiki went back to Keito’s place to hang out. Keito had agreed to lend Daiki some DVDs he had. But as soon as they stepped through the front door, Daiki announced that he was hungry. 

“I wish you had said that _before_ we got here,” Keito grumbled. He opened the cabinets and fridge to see what he had to offer. “I can make omurice?” he suggested. He didn’t have much but he had eggs and rice at least.

“Sure,” Daiki agreed. The two of them worked together to create the tasty dish, which was a good thing because Keito wasn’t really that skilled at cooking omelets anyway. When they were finally finished and the food was already on the plate, they realized something was missing. 

“We need ketchup,” Daiki said. “You can’t have omurice without ketchup.” 

Keito opened up his refrigerator again to look for the all-important condiment. After all that hard work, he wasn’t going to put up with Daiki pouting about the food. He looked over the shelves but there didn’t seem to be any ketchup in there at all. Just when he was about to give up, he caught a glimpse of something shoved to the very back of the fridge. 

“Ah ha!” he exclaimed as he pulled out a bottle of ketchup. It looked almost completely full. Happy that his search was over, Keito poured the topping over their omurice and handed a plate to Daiki. But after only a few bites, they both paused.

“This tastes sort of funny,” Daiki said slowly. “Is this some sort of fancy ketchup or something?”

“Who makes fancy ketchup?” Keito scoffed. “No, it’s just normal stuff. But you’re right, it _does_ taste really weird.” 

“It’s kinda brown-looking too,” Daiki added. He warily pushed his plate away. 

Keito picked up the ketchup bottle to check whether it really was some fancy kind he didn’t know about. And that’s when he noticed it.

“Oh,” he said. “This expired three years ago.” He pointed to the expiration date printed on the side of the bottle. 

Daiki looked horrified. “How has that been in your fridge for _three years_?!” 

Keito just shrugged. 

Taking both the plates of ruined omurice, Daiki dumped them in the trash and then pulled out his phone. “I’m ordering take-out instead.”

“Why didn’t we just do that in the first place??”

 

**4th time:**  
Keito looked at the ingredients he had gathered together. Takaki had given him the recipe for his mother’s angel food cake. After the issues he’d had with cake icing the last time he tried baking something, he figured it might be a good idea to just try a cake that didn’t need icing. 

He started mixing everything together into the bowl but paused when he got to the part about egg whites.

“Hmm,” Keito hummed as he looked over everything. He wasn’t exactly sure what egg whites were. He looked at his carton of eggs for a few minutes until it hit him. The egg shells were white! That must be what the recipe was talking about. After dumping in the broken egg shells, he continued mixing everything up. 

He thought the cake looked kind of strange when he took it out of the oven. It had sort of collapsed in on itself and he could see the bits of egg shells sticking out everywhere. He had followed the recipe so he didn’t understand what went wrong. He brought the cake to share with the rest of JUMP the next day because he hoped it would taste better than it looked.

“It’s angel food cake,” he explained as the group stared at the monstrosity in horror. 

“More like demon food cake,” Inoo said.

“Are those egg shells?” Yuto asked as he poked the side of the cake. 

“You didn’t follow my mom’s recipe?” Takaki asked. 

“Of course I did. I added in the egg whites just like it said to do.” 

Daiki burst out laughing and Yamada gave him a horrified stare.

“Oh my gosh,” Hikaru exclaimed. “Egg whites are not egg shells!” 

Keito frowned. “How was I supposed to know?”

Yabu picked up the cake and dumped it into the trash. “The only way you could call this angel food cake is if we ate it, and then died, and then met some actual angels in the afterlife.” 

 

**5th time:**  
His father was out for the evening doing something for work, so Keito had the house to himself. He’d been so busy lately that he hadn’t had a lot of alone time recently. He had planned to spend the evening watching his favorite movies and enjoying the peacefulness of his empty house. 

So, of course, he was interrupted in the middle of frying chicken for dinner by the doorbell ringing.

“We’re invading your house!” Yuto announced happily when Keito opened the door. Yamada and Chinen were standing on either side of him, waiting to be invited in.

“Huh?” was the only thing Keito could say.

“We were having a 7 gathering, so you have to join in too or else it won’t be 7,” Chinen explained. “Also, your house was the closest.” 

“But I—”

Yuto interrupted Keito’s protest with a sniff of his nose and a question. “Is something burning?”

“My chicken!” Keito ran to the kitchen and the rest followed behind him, eager to see what was happening. They were probably going to take pictures of the fiasco to show BEST later instead of actually helping Keito out. 

The entire frying pan was flaming out of control when they got there. In a panic, Keito grabbed the nearest bowl and started filling it with water. But before he could dump it, Yamada had already slammed the lid on the frying pan. 

“You never put water on a grease fire!” Yamada scolded him as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. He turned the stove off. “You could have lost your eyebrows!”

“That’s okay,” Yuto joked. “We all know Yamada can do amazing things with an eyebrow pencil.” 

Yamada frowned. “I have two sisters…” he muttered as an embarrassed explanation for his makeup skills. 

“Look on the bright side, Keito,” Chinen said. “Your kitchen is only slightly scorched. It’s a good thing we were here.” The chicken, on the other hand, was merely a pile of blackened blobs now. Completely inedible.

“It wouldn’t have caught fire if you all hadn’t distracted me,” Keito complained.

Yuto laughed. “We are _never_ going to let you forget this.”

“Never,” Yamada and Chinen agreed with grins. 

“Get out of my house,” Keito whined and wondered whether there was enough water in the bowl to drown himself in shame.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel the need to point out that the expired ketchup bit is based on true events. My uncle once ate three-year-old ketchup and his only response was "Huh. No wonder it looked brown."


End file.
